SEO Your New Baby

Recently, overhearing a conversation about baby names between two friends who were expecting a child, I suggested they move beyond the traditional family names that might please a grandparent, or upscale "status" names that might get their kid some respect from peers, or inantimate object names like Willow or Apple that may destine them to paparazzi-dodging, or popular names that might help their kids fit in with the crowd. They looked at me in confusion. "What does that leave us?" asked the mother-to-be.

"SEO. Search engine optimization," I said. "Robot-readibility. Barcode it. In a future world where the algorithm is king, you have to game the system. Don't take the chance your baby will grow up as just a cell at the bottom of the spreadsheet. Label it like you want it. After all, that's what we do on the Web and social media now. Imagine growing up in an Internet of Things, a sentient systems world where your child is the data it exudes."

I explained I was being not only serious, but very pragmatic. Think about it, I said. A baby born today is going to reach its college admission years around 2030. College applications, probably for an online program of some sort (public university campuses were sold off years ago in the great land transfer of 2020, you see, and private universities have almost all decamped for Asia and the Gulf to be closer to their student base) will be algorithmically decided—based on a complex formula that blends Kindle data, KidKlout (actual money than can be spent, created by the company that resulted from the purchase of Facebook's fire sale assets by Klout) credit scores of parents, friends and neighbors. So, maybe you want to pick a number, like 1800—the perfect SAT score (which will probably be lowered to something like 900, so you've got to take a gamble here) or a high-income postcode, like Beverly Hills' own 90120 or Mayfair's W1K. Geography is "Destiny".

Assuming they make it through university (few do by 2030—only the carefully self-selected management class), they'll probably want a job to pay down the millions in yuan of student debt they've accumulated. But we know the job search process is no longer really a manual pursuit. In fact, you don't even submit resumes. Your qualifications follow you as a personal record—no more Scott Thompsons of Yahoo! or Elizabeth Warren-style mishaps. We'll be way past the point of simple computer stripping of a Word or PDF resume looking for keywords. You'll want to hard code desireable skills, make them your metadata. So, perhaps name your baby SVP of Counterparty Risk Mitigation, or Environmental Remediation Director.

But a career as an upper-mid-level functionary isn't what your baby deserves. After all, everyone's a guru, an expert, a successful book author. Everyone gets a slot at their neighborhood TEDx. It's like kids soccer used to be in the early 21st century. We all get a trophy. But why take a risk? Why not assure them their rightful place, whether or not they have the record to back it up? Why end up with the clean-up spot at the end of the program, or the dreaded after-lunch dead shift? That's right. Name that baby something that tells the world where they belong. Name that child Soughtafter Keynote Speaker. Earned it, shmerned it. Anything else is selling that kid's natural talent short, and denying them a shot at wearing the wireless microphone of fortune.

But then we come down the other side. While you're son or daughter may live to the ripe old age of 110 through the assistance of someone whose parents thought far enough ahead to name their brood Respiratory Technician, Organ Restoration Specialist and Pharmacy Manager (it was triplets), you'll still need to let the world know you aren't just another senior citizen to be shunted into a converted former federal prison somewhere to watch reruns of "Most Hilarious Augmented Reality Takedowns." No sir and ma'am. Go ahead and play the long game.

Name that baby Interspace Cryo-Cruise First Class Cabin Top Bunk Extra Serving of Protein for Breakfast. They'll thank you for it.